For most people, Mother’s Day is a day of happiness. A day to be recognized for all the hard work and devotion mother’s poor into their children’s life. Growing up, I was very lucky in having a mom who was there. She loved me and supported me. For that I will be forever grateful.
I’ve been married now for almost 12 years. Being a mother was something I looked forward to. When I was in 8th grade, my English teacher made me write a paper on where I wanted to be in my life 15 years from then. So, when I was 28. My hope at that time: married with four kids. If I was working, I hoped I’d be a teacher or administrative assistant.
Two things, however, are not true. I’m actually an Accounting Assistant by day and YA/MG writer by night. I love both my jobs and glad my career turned out the way it did.
As for the kids, that’s where the true heartache comes in. I won’t go into detail here, but as someone who desperately wanted children, the lack of them breaks my heart into a million pieces. Unless by some mighty miracle from up above, we won’t be having our own children.
Unless you are going through this, you can never understand. Even if you’ve been through it, trying for years to have kids, but now actually have one, you don’t understand anymore. Your life and perspectives have shifted, even if you think it hasn’t.
For those of us who can’t have kids, here’s how you can help on Mother’s Day (applies to Father’s Day as well).
Don’t wish us a Happy Mother’s Day. It hurts. Chad and I got married May 14th, so our anniversary falls around Mother’s Day, so we’re often times on vacation. Every man or woman that sees me, waits on our table, opens a door for us, greets us, whatever, wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day. I’m assuming this is because I’m a woman and have a husband with me. Never assume people have kids. So unless the children are actually with the mom, calling her Mom, refrain. 🙂
Don’t say we’re still “Mother’s of our families.” We know you’re trying to be nice, but it hurts. I’m a religious person, so when I used to go to church on Mother’s Day, I’d get the, you’re a mother to the children in our church. No, I’m not. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. One reason why I no longer go to church on Mother’s Day.
Don’t pity us. It sucks. We know. Enjoy your day. Soak up all the love from your children. Hug them. Kiss them. Laugh with them. Be the best Mother and Father you can be. Most importantly, be grateful that you have children. Let them know how special and truly valued they are. They’re miracles. Never forget that.
What can you do? Love us. I accept hugs if you see me. But don’t drop by unannounced because chances are I’m at home, chilling, with no bra on. 🙂
If you’re thinking of me, or someone who can’t/doesn’t have kids but wants them, tell us through a message. Just a simple, I’m thinking of you, works. It lets us know you care and love us. That’s all we need. But be happy about it. We need smiles on Mother’s Day, not tears. We shed enough of those on our own, we don’t need to add to the pool of tears.
Outside of Mother’s Day, here’s how you help. Don’t ask us about it. It’s SO personal. Extremely personal. Please remember that. If we want to talk about it, we’ll come to you. If we give you permission to ask about it, then go for it.
Don’t ask why we can’t have kids or what we’ve tried. You have no idea how many times I’ve been asked this, sometimes by total strangers. I have to resist the urge to tell them all the positions we’ve “tried”, and I’m not talking about the medical attempts.
Don’t ask us if we’ve thought about adoption. Chances are, the person you’re talking to, has thought about adoption. But we’re all on different parts of the journey. So many factors go into adoption and fostering children that people don’t realize. It’s another extremely emotional roller coaster. Trust me, you don’t want to ride it with us.
It all comes down to the fact that the whole matter is personal. It’s between the husband and wife, and no one else. We don’t go around asking how often you have sex, where you have it, or if you’ve had a bowel movement for the day. So just avoid it, okay?
What do we need? Love. Just like you. We all need love. Also, chocolate works as well. In my case, Dr Pepper works wonders.
Thanks for listening. 🙂